The new Urban Outfitters catalog came in the mail yesterday, and the self-conscious over-the-top hipster-ness of the whole operation is even more blinding than usual. Typically, the catalogs feature artsy photographs of waifish girls/women wearing a collection of clothing that is about one-third nice and/or interesting, with the remainder being  alternately horrendous, deranged and/or laughable. Lately the company seems to be trying to branch out by using “real” people as models. The most irritating thing about it is their insistence on telling us just how real these people are.

Back in April, they made a big deal out of their “discovery” of a cute French girl named Chloé Domat, who they plucked from a Parisian café and dressed up in clothes from their latest catalog. Under her giant sunglasses, she was more than just a pretty face, okay? “It turns out that this University student is one of the smartest people we know,” the Urban overlords explained in a gushing interview that went along with their lovely new model’s “picks” from the spring line. Sure,  it’s nice to let your customers see models as people instead of mannequins, but their attempt to take her seriously would’ve felt more genuine if they didn’t treat her intelligence like some kind of revelation. (And, um, if Chloé didn’t claim to love the truly hideous “lace and mesh bodysuit.”)

So, the June catalog features “eight painters, writers, stylists, curators, actors and friends shot in their Los Angeles homes,” their snapshot-esque photos paired with what I guess are supposed to be Very Authentic Quotes. Here’s Diana, a 28-year-old actress: “I have this tank top with a surfing nutsack in sunglasses on it, from this band Megapuss. If only this shirt could be splooged across the world for infinity, there would be no wars.” (Coming soon to an Urban Outfitters store near you: a tank top printed with a graphic of a surfing nutsack in sunglasses.) When Diana’s “not on set or at an audition,” she explains on the next page, “I’m cooking Mexican food, watching Carl Sagan documentaries, or playing basketball with my boyfriend.” Judging by the photos, she also fiddles with her Mac laptop and touches cacti. Camille, identified as a 19-year-old student/actress, is quoted thusly: “If I could engineer any combination of sensual stimuli, I would swim in a crater on the moon full of warm rose water. It would be sunny, with a breeze, and David Bowie would play all day long.” Meanwhile Steve, 26, opines, “If I am going to fall in love with a girl, she should have nice hands. She should also enjoy Budweiser, Bowie [there he is again!], Domino’s Pizza, and DMX.” None of it really makes me interested in buying bodysuits,  rompers, or anything else from them at all, ever.

But yes, I shop there. Among other things, I have a serious and problematic addiction to summer dresses, and Urban Outfitters feeds it. I started to write a longer post explaining why, but it’s giving me a headache. I promise to return to the endlessly fascinating subject later (after all, there is always a new product or slogan or ploy of theirs to pick apart), along with  a dispatch from my semi-accidental fall into the bizarre rabbit-hole of blogs written by Anthropologie fans, about their Anthropologie fandom.